The Tension Between Who You Are and Who You Love

Second Level Thinking · Issue 25

Examining the internal conflict of growth within relationships. How to treat your connections as levers to improve your position in the world.

I have a theory. Yep, another one.

“Bear with me for a second, let me put y’all on game.” Kendrick Lamar

I have been thinking a lot recently about the tension that exists as a result of our perceived version of self and the relationships in our lives.

Typically, we have a vision of who we are and where we are heading. When progress is being made to move toward this improved version of self, we have agency, and the vitality we require to wake-up feeling well enough to want to begin our day, with enough energy to complete our day, and to move back and forth along the continuum of driven and relaxed.

When there is a gap between who we want to be and our current state, this causes tension, frustration, and even anxiety and anger in more unhealthy states. There is an internal conflict with the self that exists. The relationships in our lives are spotlights to this vision and our contact with family and friends provide feedback loops that either help confirm or deny the version of self we desire to be. The healthy ones help propel us toward this vision, giving us energy and focus, and the unhealthy ones push us back from the person we are trying to become. Think of the well adopted saying, sometimes the people closest to you can hurt you the most.

It is not the relationships per se, it is the spotlight it shines on us that causes the friction. Rightly or wrongly, we see others as fixed or stagnant, and ourselves as growing and evolving.

Think about it: reflect on who you were 5-years ago and list 20 specific ways in which you have changed or grown since that point in time. Now, think of a long-time friend or family member that you have had some contact with over that period - do you still hold a fixed view of that person from years earlier, or are you accommodating to all the ways in which they have evolved over the same period? In most instances, we are not able to adequately appreciate their growth. It takes effort and insight, where the mind is lazy and would prefer to make judgements from past experiences, some from decades prior.

Too often, even if we don’t realise it, our beliefs and opinions remain fixed because it is easier than challenging whether they are helpful and developing better thought patterns. The problem when we turn this behaviour or thought process inward, is we project the same judgements from the person in question back on ourselves. This is ludicrous, we are fabricating judgements from an individual in whose opinions we care mildly, if at all about, and handing over control to them, giving them powers they do not exert.

Nothing Is Infinite

There is a second component to this thesis: if I said to you would you like to give back more, love more, smile more, and tell the people close to you, you love them more, would you say yes? We all desire to be the type of friend or partner that sends a random message saying “thinking of you” or remembers a friend’s birthday. We all desire to sustain meaningful relationships and remain attached to those who have played pivotal roles in our lives, in one way or another.

This presents us with another conundrum, on one hand we desire to be a good person and increase our level of connection, and on the other hand, there is this fallacy that all relationships are infinite, especially those that were conceived early in life through education, sport and family. With many of us finding it hard to let go.

It is difficult to have this growing, loving, connected version of self and appreciate that in many instances we have outgrown an individual or relationship. We must overcome status quo bias in these instances and appreciate letting go is the healthier long-term choice for all parties.

Remember:

• We are those who we spend our time with.

• We benchmark against those we spend our time with.

Selfishly, if you are serious about moving towards your desired version of self, it will require cutting certain relationships in your life, doubling down on others, and forming new ones on all occasions. This discomfort creates adversity, and creates the conditions we require to grow. This is where real growth occurs. Nothing is infinite.

This is not easy. On one hand we want continued connectedness with as many humans as possible, and on the other hand there is a realisation that you are being held back and need to let go. When you do take such courageous action, it will allow for more targeted time with those who align with your values and allow you to be the best version of yourself.

While Newton’s third law was developed with physics in mind, it applies equally well to biology. When pushed on, we push back. The harder we push others, the harder they push back. How well we align with this simple principle of mirrored reciprocation determines whether our outcomes are good or bad.

Only four types of relationships exist with anyone (partners, kids, customers, suppliers, etc.)

1. Win/Win

2. Win/Lose

3. Lose/Win

4. Lose/Lose

Only win-win relationships align with Newton’s third law. Every other permutation creates a situation where one party — intentionally or unintentionally — pushes back, writes Shane Parrish.

What the Research Says

We know from the Harvard Study that social connection is the largest determinant of happiness. Not money, not status, but the positive impact of healthy relationships in our lives. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, initiated in 1938, the longest running social study in the world tracked two groups: 268 Harvard sophomores and 456 boys from Boston over decades, with the research expanding to include their spouses and children over time.

Key Findings

1. Quality of relationships predicts longevity and happiness: Warm, supportive relationships are the strongest predictors of long-term health and life satisfaction, more than wealth or fame. Loneliness is as harmful to health as smoking or obesity.

2. Emotional health is crucial: Managing stress effectively is essential for maintaining physical health. Emotional well-being in midlife predicts healthy aging.

3. Physical health and mental well-being are interconnected: Participants who developed strong coping mechanisms early on were more resilient to physical and mental decline. Healthy habits, such as exercise, diet, and avoiding substance abuse, correlated with better outcomes.

4. Purpose matters: Those who maintained a sense of purpose and continued to engage in meaningful activities enjoyed better health and happiness later in life.

5. Economic factors have limited impact: Beyond basic financial stability, wealth did not significantly contribute to happiness or health.

The study underscores the importance of social and emotional connections in an increasingly disconnected world. Its findings are often cited to advocate for prioritising meaningful relationships and mental health.

Two Exercises to Start With

In Jay Shetty’s Think Like A Monk: Train Your Mind For Peace & Purpose Every Day, he provides two activities that can support you in commencing this effort.

The first is to conduct a Companion Audit:

• Over the course of a week make a list of the people with whom you spend the most time. List the values you share next to that person. Are you giving the most time to the people who align most closely with your values?

The second is to conduct a Reverse Envy List:

• Make a list of five people you care about but also feel competitive with. Come-up with at least one reason that you’re envious of each one: something they have achieved, something they are better at, something that’s gone well for them, etc. Did that achievement actually take anything away from you? Now, think about how it benefited your friend. Visualise everything good that has come to them from this achievement. Would you want to take any of this away. If so, envy is robbing you of joy. Envy is more destructive to you than what your friend has accomplished - spend your energy transforming it.

So, positive relationships generally lead to improved happiness writ-large, and remember, it’s ok to reflect on the role certain relationships play in our lives and if they are still valuable. Take control back.

Social connection is critical and at a minimum, I would aim for 3-5 family members or friends and 1-2 community activities in which you engage with locally. With the individual relationships, ask yourself, am I comfortable calling these people in the night and am I vulnerable with them? For the community activities, ensure it involves others and is even better when it connects to developing a skill irrespective of age. This is setting a low bar but in my case studies you would be surprised how few meet this minimum standard.

Don’t take the path of least resistance and be sure to have a no dickhead stance. Life’s too short and if you are not putting yourself into mildly uncomfortable environments, that are safe and challenge you to grow, then I would reflect on which one you are in the relationship.

“When someone is properly grounded in life, they shouldn’t have to look outside themselves for approval.” Epictetus

Parting Shot

“Your best relationships aren't just connections - they're multipliers that improve everything in your life. Yet, we often exhaust ourselves trying to save difficult relationships while neglecting the good ones.

Think of relationships like a garden: some plants naturally thrive and help everything around them grow, while others struggle despite constant care. Every hour spent on a toxic connection is stolen from relationships with real potential.

Stop trying to save what's dying. Find what's thriving and help it flourish.”

— Shane Parrish